Step one

For those of you who don’t know I used to be a huge sex addict, and no, not really with many partners. I would look at porn, and read stories several times a day. There were days where I would go 8 plus times. I do not write this, to sound like an animal, but rather so that those who know me know where I came from. As a former member of 12 step groups, I learned to deal with some of my issues, but it wasn’t until last night, while talking to Shawn did I realize how lost I was. Part of the healing process is writing out, or completing a check list of consequences. Here’s my list from the Book, A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, by Patrick Carnes.

Emotional Consequences
(X) Attempted Suicide
(X) Suicidal Thoughts/Feelings
( ) Homicidal Thoughts/Feelings
(X) Feelings of extreme hopelessness
(X) Failed efforts to control addiction
(X) Feeling like two people
(X) Emotional instability
(X) Loss of touch with reality
(X) Loss of self-esteem
(X) Loss of life goals
(X) Acting against own values
(X) Strong feelings of guilt
(X) Strong feelings of isolation
(X) Emotional exhaustion

Physical Consequences
(X) Continuation of addictive behavior despite physical risks
(X) Extreme weight loss/gain
(X) Physical problems(blood pressure, ulcers, diabeties)
( ) Physical injury or abuse by other
(X) Involvement in potentially abusive/dangerous situations
( ) Vehicle accidents
(X) self abuse/injury
(X) sleep disturbances
(X) Physical exhaustion

Family and Partnership Consequences
(X) Risking the loss of partner/spouse
(X) Loss of partner/spouse
(X) Increase of relationship problems
(X) Jeopardizing the well-being of your family
(X) Loss of family/partner’s respect
( ).Increase in problems with your children
( ) Loss of your family origin

Now I put this up, not to say, I’m here and queer, but because maybe, some one will come across this, and see them self in this. I was a great student, and then lost all ambition and interest in life. I attempted suicide in the past, And at times really wanted to die. I found myself in a relationship with a man who wasn’t after my best interest, instead, he was interested into having slave/house boy. I learned to be submissive and learned to please him, without much if any attention or affection. I learned to make him happy, and to have things done his way. I was allowing my sexual addiction rule my life. I never realized how much this relationship was harming my life.
Because of this relationship, I gained many fetishes, and interests. Some of these grew to the point where it put my life in real danger, and I decided at that point to turn from that life, and not look back. The idea of becoming the next homicide victim wasn’t appealing to me. So dropped that side of me, or so I thought, I had become used to the “Vanillia” way of things. I learned that I didn’t have to have my vices or role playing to enjoy a good time. Then comes along Shawn, my Boo Bear, and my love. And the rest will come in the second edition….