some "gay humor"

The Canadian


A guy walks into a bar in rural Oklahoma and orders a white wine.
All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his

first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander

around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by, and the man

immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his

erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for

me?"



The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"



She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's

a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you

called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of

the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls

him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within

minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room

toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.



"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.



"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule

that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."



The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a

bench and has his way with him.



The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where

he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I

help you?" she says.



The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can

have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."



"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a

few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our

facilities."



The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 66 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

I'm outta here!"

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his lover who was already asleep.
He gave him peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied, "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did
and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his lover shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting the bed"


IRS Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached