Before you read this, know that I was tired when I wrote this, and also extremely pissed.
My mother called the house, and woke me up, then wanted to know why I was sleeping. Gee ma, maybe because I've been working all night? So here I am awake, getting ready for bed finally. Se thought it'd be a good idea to bring the kids over the house today. Don't get me wrong, I love my Niece, and Nephews, but I do need my rest. And having toddlers around the house is not the way to get it done. Well moving on... My ma looks at me, and says, "we need to talk (Oh shit), but we won't because you've changed." I respond with a "Changed? How so ma?" Well Chris, you never wanted to be out, and now since meeting Shawn, you've become this 'Hi I'm queer' person, and you are broadcasting it to the world." me, "Well ma, I figured I"d let them know, because I was suicidal and depressed, but am not anymore. Do you think my coming out has had anything to do with it?" My ma, "No, you gays always have to push your agenda on people like me, and i am sick and tired of it. I read your e-mail, saying, 'Ok, I'll tell Wendy, then a few days later you told her." (Now someone here is lying, because at the time I told Wendy, she acted like she didn't know I was going to tell Wendy. She also acted Shocked that I would.) Well i looked at her saying, "It's not an agenda, and i am not forcing it on anyone else, would it be different if I said I was back with Katrina (My ex). (Silence) "I'm sorry ma, but you're the one who is not ready to talk. I just turned and walked away.
"Shawn is telling you what to do? What the fucking hell? I won't speak ill of those who have passed on, but Bill used to say that. Now my ma has this idea that Shawn is forcing me to come out, and is forcing me to be someone I am not. Has she forgotten what I was like when I was depressed? I would lay there, with them poking and yelling at me to get up out of bed, I would lay there to the point where I would be so pissed that i would strike out at them. Does she really want me like that again? She's worried about my temper now, well what about then? I have too much to live for now. I have a bud who makes me laugh, and a man who completes my life. Every weekend is a vacation for me, and I honestly dread coming home on Monday, but know that i must. When I'm home I face bull shit, and shit I wouldn't wish on my Enimies.
John and I have breakfast on Tuesday morning, and it was great, there's nothing like breaking bread with a friend. Well, this BS with my mother is getting to the point where the only way we can be comfortable with the situation is if we joke about it. John will often say, "So, have you been kicked out again? or how many times have you been kicked out?" While we laugh at this, it is fucking sad that we even have facts to back this joke up. WE both got to talking about our Faith, and about where the "Christian we went to school with" are. John and I are your normal 22 year old putz, but are not into the clubbing scene. The funny thing is that those in school who avoided us for not being "christian" enough are either now unmarried and with child, or are big time clubbers. Yeah, John and I both agreed that we believe in God, but do not agree with organized religion. Does that make us agnostic? I guess so, I don't know, maybe some one will leave a comment here. What i am trying to say, through my sleepy eyes, is I am officially turned off from my folks, and apparently, my mother hates Shawn. Sad, she never mt him, and never got to see what a wonderful guy he is, but it's her loss. John had the balls to meet him, and this coming weekend will meet him again, for a second time. Shawn is telling me what to do, fuck no, My ma is the one forcing her agenda on me, and is telling me what to do. Mark my words, as soon as I can, I am out of this hell hole. And when the time comes, I am dropping the "lefave" name and will gladly take Shawn's name. At least his family talks to me in a civil manner, and at least they treat us with respect. I've changed? Fuck yeah, and for the better, I am not mentally depressed. The only one making me depressed, is my ma.
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Dear Chris,
I agree that it is a sad thing that your mother damns me and hates me for who I am without ever once meeting me or talking to me.
If she's bothered to ever read my previous posts to you, she's see that I never once told you to come out. I told you that if you decide to, that life might be more difficult for you, OR it could be more healthy for you, but either way, it was alway your decision. I still stand by what I said then...that it was always more healthy emotionally to no live a lie, but that we must each find our own path to the truth and to what is makes us happy and content.
Some people see the world in black and white. I believe your mother is one of those people. There is the way she believes and then there are those she hates...and she does hate...but she hates from a viewpoint of wrong knowledge. (I guess most haters do) I refuse to hate you, Mrs. Lefave. I am troubled by your ignorance and by the blindness to the facts about Chris and myself, but I don't hate you for it, Mrs. Lefave. I guess that makes me more of a Christian that you, now doesn't it, Mrs. Lefave? Was hate and ignorance Christ' message? Not hardly. not even a little, Mrs. Lefave. One final comment, Mrs. Lefave, you continue to speak falsely about me and about gay people. You KNOWINGLY speak hurtfully and falsely about Chris and about me and those like us. Correct me if I'm wrong, Mrs. Lefave, but I believe that there is a commandment that states: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour."
No, Mrs. Lefave, I do not hate you, but you do LITTLE in the way to promote the "Christian agenda". I feel sad that your actions are hurting you the way the have. You hurt me not one bit. You hurt your child beyond measure. How Christ-like is that?
Chris, you be who you are. Lying about who you are weakens you, but you choose the path that brings you peace my dear. I love you both in AND out of the closet.
Love-Shawn
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