"Our Son is Gay" by Amanda Spake

"Our Son is Gay" by Amanda Spake
(Family Circle, 3/3/87, p 45)

It was a beautiful September day in 1984 in Palo Alto, California.
Ann Davidson, an attractive 48-year-old mother, was spending it
with her older son Ben, 21, a junior in college who was home for a
visit. A big family dinner was planned for that evening. It was
wonderful having Ben home, Ann thought. They'd had lunch together,
gone shopping and were now rushing through the supermarket to get a
few last-minute items.

Earlier in the day Ben had said that he wanted to tell her
something. The Davidsons had always been close, and Ann figured it
was something about college, where Ben was pursuing a performing
arts degree. It was 5 pm when they carried the bags of groceries
out to the parking lot.

"Mom, there's something I really have to tell you," Ben said.
"What is it?" She smiled as they loaded the groceries into the
car. "Mom, I'm in love," Ben said nervously. "And his name is
Alan."

Ann looked up at her son in shock. At first she could not believe
what she was hearing. Was Ben telling her that he was a
homosexual? Tall, dark, handsome Ben, who had so many girlfriends
in high school? How could this be? Ann said little as they drove
home, but her mind was racing as she turned the news over in her
mind. "I had a momentary, fleeting feeling of disgust," she
admits. "I had flashes of images of him making love to a man,
which made me feel very uncomfortable; I did not know what to say.
I felt disappointed, hurt and upset. We had to go home to this
big family dinner, and I had to put on a cheery face -- but I could
hardly look at Ben."

That was how Ann Davidson learned that her older son was gay. As
it turned out, she was one of the last to find out. That night,
when she and her husband, Julian, were finally alone and could
talk, she discovered that Julian already knew. He had not told Ann
because he wanted her to hear it from Ben himself. Their other
son, 14-yea-old Jeffrey, had known longer than either of them. Ben
had told his brother sometimes earlier that he suspected that he
might be gay. After he fell in love with Alan, Ben introduced him
to Jeffrey.

Julian Davidson, who is a 55-year-old research scientist at
Standford University, discovered Ben's homosexuality inadvertently
from Ben's physician, a family friend. One day when Julian asked
casually about Ben's health, the doctor said Ben was fine, but that
his "changing life-style" had occasioned some concern. "I didn't
say anything more, and the doctor didn't say anything more," Julian
remembers. "He thought I knew, and I had only suspected." Not
long after, Julian brought up the issue to Ben directly, and Ben
told his father the truth: After a painful struggle he had
recognized and accepted his homosexuality. He had met and fallen
in love with Alan -- and for the first time in his life, he said,
he was happy. For the Davidsons, at first, there was sadness. "I
was not devastated," says Julian, "but I was concerned for several
reasons. First, I realized Ben was in a minority that tends to be
persecuted; second, he won't have any children' third, AIDS -- I
really hope he does not get sick." Julian also feared that, as
men, he and Ben would lose something -- "it might seem "as if we
belonged to different breeds."

In the days that followed, Ann too worried about Ben and herself.
"I thought other people would dislike him, reject him, and I didn't
want him to part of a despised minority that people call names. I
worried about AIDS. But mostly, I worried that he'd be lonely and
hurt and rejected. For myself, I worried what other people think
of me as a mother."

So began an emotional two-year journey for the Davidsons as they
denied, talked about, cried over, grappled with and finally
accepted their son's sexual orientation. They say that they have
come a long way, that most of their early fears have given way to a
new sense of love and pride in their son. Today they counsel other
families who are trying to understand and accept gay children. For
these parents, like the Davidsons, one of the early hurdles is
learning what homosexuality is and how to seperate reality from
stereotypes.

Alfred Kinsey's studies on sexuality in 1947 and 1953 showed that
about 13% of all men and 7% of all women were exclusively
homosexual throughout their lives. This figure, still acepted by
social scientists today, means that in the United States about 23
million people are homosexual.

But Ann and Julian had never known anyone who was openly gay. They
had accepted the stereotypical images of homosexuals: limp-wristed
men or masculine-looking women. Because Ben didn't fit the
stereotype, they secretly tried to convince themselves that he
wasn't really gay.

Says Ann, "I thought, 'This is a phase.'" But as she gradually
accepted her son's homosexuality, she wondered if there had been
indications during his life that she had ignored.

She thought about his childhood. His kindergarten teacher had told
Ann that Ben did not play with typical "boy things." Instead, he
was creative and artisitc. "I don't believe that every soft,
creative boy is going to be gay," Ann says now, "but my feelings
always were that he did not play easily with other boys. He always
made friends with mavericks, loners. He did not play ball; I had
to push him into the Cub Scouts. So I always had these fears, not
that he was homosexual but that he was alone and isolated."

For a while, she blamed her husband for Ben's homosexuality.
"Julian was very preoccupied with with his career when the children
were small. I wanted Julian to be around more. So when this came
up, I, of course, said to him, 'You see!'"

After Ben "came out" to his mother, he and Ann talked it out. "I
realized I had always pushed him to be more of an all-American boy.
As a result he always felt that I did not approve of him and
rejected him," Ann says. "I saw that now that he didn't have to
hide this big part of his life, Ben was happier than he'd ever
been."

The talks were a turning point for Ben and his parents. Ann and
Julian, married 24 years, could not envision Ben's future: "The
idea of a promiscuous, anonymous sexual lifestyle turns me off,"
Ann said. But Ben was able to reassure them, explaining that he
was commited to a long-term relationship, just as they were.

Ann also had to grapple with her feelings that homosexuality wasn't
"natural"; she felt it had to be a conscious "choice" that Ben had
made. Yet after talking to Ben and reading about the subject, she
came to believe that homosexuality is an "orientation," determined
early in life by factors that are not yet understood.

Gradually the Davidsons realized that Ben had not chosen to be
homosexual any more than they had chosen to be heterosexual. In
fact, he had tried for years to convince himself that he wasn't gay
and to behave as he thought "real men" behaved. But then the
burden of the secret became too heavy. He wanted to be honest with
himself about who he was.

Julian did not have a great need to talk about Ben's homosexuality
except with Ben and Ann. But Ann felt terribly alone and she did
not know where to turn for support. Finally, she told one friend,
the mother of a lesbian. "I felt so isolated with this secret,"
Ann said. "She was the first person I went to because she wouldn't
criticize me as a mother. She had always talked very openly about
her daughter, for which I am very, very grateful. I now think it
is extremely important for people to speak out, for gays to come
out and for families to come out. The more people who do, the less
aginizing it is to go through the adjustment."

Over the course of that first year, Ben's relationship with both
parents -- to the surprise of all three of them -- improved. "The
easiest part of it is that I really love this boy," says Ann.

Julian's fears that they would grow apart as men were not realized.
In fact, for Julian, his son is more enjouable than he's ever
been. "Ben has become easier to get along with and much easier to
talk to. He's finally found himself and that is a beautiful thing
to see. And it helps that his lover is a fellow I've come to like
a lot."

The time finaly arrived for Ann and Julian to meet Alan. They all
decided to go out to dinner together in Santa Cruz, where Ben is in
school. By the time the evening of the dinner arrived, all three
Davidsons were extremely anxious. "Alan, bless his heart, broke
the ice," Ann remembers. "He said, 'Boy, this is strange.' And
then we could say, yes, it really is, and we were fine. I look
back on it now and I say, 'What was the big deal?' but I truly
didn't feel that way then." Last fall Ann and Julian moved into a
three-bedroom house in Bethesda, Maryland, so that Julian could
work at the National Institutes of Health. Ann, still confronting
unresolved questions about Ben, heard about an organization called
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. or "Parents FLAG," as it
is commonly known.

The group was an eye-opener. Both parents and gays come to
meetings to discuss the issues concerning homosexuality, including
how to tell family and friends about it. Ann met many gay people
and their parents, and she was, in her words, "overwhelmed by the
normalcy of these people." She experienced the most important
important emotional boost Parents FLAG offers: "You learn you are
not alone."

Julian started attending Parents FLAG with her, and by spring, the
two of them were participating in workshops for kids and parents.
Julian thinks that a child's homosexual orientation may be more
difficult for fathers to accept than it is for mothers. "It seems
to me it's harder for fathers because of the whole macho thing.
It's not 'carrying on the line.' We don't have as many fathers as
mothers in the Parents FLAG group, which is an indication, I think,
that men find coming to terms with it mire difficult." When he
counsels other fathers, Julian says, "I make positive comments.
People complain about how hard homosexuality is to accept. I don't
find it to be easy, but I try to stress that there is a worthwhile
side to this."

Ben says he's very proud of his parents. "I felt compelled for the
sake of my own integrity to tell them." he says. "It was
something that was making me happier than I'd ever been, and I
didn't want to degrade my experience by having to lie about it to
them. I now feel much closer to both my parents."

For Ann and Julian there are still parts of Ben's life that are
difficult to accept. They worry about AIDS, though that is not a
concern for the moment because Ben is involved in a serious,
long-term relationship with Alan. As Ann puts it, "I think if you
asked me if I would prefer that Ben be heterosexual, I would say
'Yes,' because it is a much easier life. But I think it will be
O.K."

-- Except for Alan, all other names in this story are real.

-- For more information about PFLAG visit http://www.pflag.org/

Hanky codes, Yes I am gladly taken, and yes I flag.

GAY MALE HANKY CODES

Worn on Left Color Worn on Right
------------ ----- -------------
Wants Oral Sex Light Blue Expert at Oral Sex
Sixty-niner Robins Egg Blue Sixty-niner
Cop Medium Blue Cop S*cker
Genital Torturer Teal Blue Genital Torturee
Anal Sex, Top Dark Blue Anal Sex, Bottom
Fister Red Fistee
Dildo User, Top Light Pink Dildo User, Bottom
Breast Torturer Dark Pink Breast Torturee
2-Handed Fister Dark Red 2-Handed Fistee
Likes Navel Worship Mauve Navel Worshipper
Likes Armpit Magenta Armpit Fetish Worshippers
Piercer Purple Piercee
Likes Drag Lavendar In drag
Golder Shower Top Yellow Golder Shower Bottom
Spitter Pale Yellow Drool Crazy
Has 8" or more Mustard Size Queen
2 Looking for 1 Gold 1 Looking for 2
Anything Goes Orange Not Now, Thanks
Two Tons O'Fun Apricot Chubby Chaser
Foot Fetish Top Coral Shrimper
A Cowboy Rust His Horse
Spanker Fuschia Spankee
Hustler Kelly Green John
Uniform Top Olive Drab Uniform Bottom
Daddy Hunter Green Daddy Hunter
Dines off Tricks Lime Green Dinner Plate
Rimmer Beige Rimmee
Scat Top Brown Scat Bottom
Uncut Possessor Brown Lace Likes Uncut
Cut Possessor Brown Satin Likes Cut
Heavy SM Top Black Heavy SM Bottom
Bondage Top Gray Bondage Bottom
Latex Fetish Top Charcoal Latex Fetish Bottom
Owns a Suit Gray Flannel Likes Men in Suits
Masturbate Me White Will Masturbate Both
Into Scum Bags Cream Eats Scum Bags
Shaver Red/White Stripes Shavee
Likes Black Bottom Black/White Stripe Likes Black Tops
Likes Latino Bottom Brown/White Stripe Likes Latino Tops
Likes Oriental BOT Yellow/White Strip Likes Oriental Tops
Likes White Bottom White Lace Likes White Top
Wears Boxer Shorts Paisley Likes Boxer Shorts
Beastialist, Top Fur Beastialist, Bottom
Star F*cker Silver Lame Star
Wants Muscleman Bot Gold Lame Likes Muscleman Top
Has Tattoos Leopard Likes Tattoos
Smokes Cigars Tan Likes Cigars
Cuddler Teddy Bear Cuddlee
Chicken Kewpie Doll Chicken Hawk
Wears a Dirty One Dirty Jock Strap Likes them Dirty
Has Drugs Zip-Lock Bag Wants Drugs
Stinks Kleenex Sniffs
(or has a cold)
Gives HOT Motor Handywipe Wears It Well
Oil Massages
Rides a Motorcycle Chamois Likes Bikers
Bartender Cocktail Napkin Bar Groupie
Tearoom Top Doily Tearoom Bottom
Outdoor Sex, Top Mosquito Netting Outdoor Sex, Bottom
Lover's Out: Toothbrush Your Place Only
My Place OK

coppied posts on taking it.

I've been told this several times before and this does hild. But one factor that does hinder the process is the mental factor. When someone rapes your arse, it can cause alot of mental blocking. I know for a fact that my partner and I are having trouble with this becauce a previous "daddy" ram-rodded me and caused alot of damage down there. because of this, I tighten up, even after my partner has worked me down there.

(If I am practicing for a man to fuck me, I need at least three fingers.
The second finger is pretty easy. It is the third that opens up the hole
as a circle, and that does take practice and lube. Work on speed and
comfort for getting three fingers spreading open your back door to invite
gentleman in. There is so much blood in the loins when guys are getting
it on, horny guys are stupid. I know I am, lost in lust. And a horny
guy who has been licking my bubble butt hole just wants to get his cock
in there. Being a slut, I want that too. I have the three finger rule
which is simple enough for me to follow when I am swimming in the sounds
and smells of sex: a three finger fuck before cock up the ass. It is
clear when your man wants to enter you, reaching for a condom is the
yellow flag. If no finger have opened the door, and he is rolling the
condom down his glorious hard tool, one you recently swallowed all the
way down to the base, you need to get those three lubed fingers up there
fast. It is just a skill, there is no magic. Lube and go one, two,
three. Do not be afraid of opening it too much: you can and will be
clamping down on him once he enters. I may try following the four finger
rule. It is like this. If the first time he positions himself to move
into you, he does slide in with easy, and you feel not the slightest
pain, you are going to have a great anal sex session. I know I can do a
three finger fuck from a dry, tight hole in under twenty seconds. I have
timed it. This is a fun game to practice. Having this skill gives you
great confidence: if he forgets to open you up, then while he is
packaging his sword in a condom, you can be opening your hole up wide
enough to take him.

My dildo session evolve the same way. Once that third finger in and
opening that tight hole, I feel the need to fill that hole with cock. It
is SO exciting to have a cock head pressed right up against the lubed and
slippery hole. It takes a little pressure to get in. How much pressure
depends on how well the fingers have prepared the hole for the job. It
is really great when it require little pressure, and you can focus on the
feeling of being full of cock. This feeling is different from anything
you can do with your own cock. What I like so much about it is you can
see a man being as manly as a man can get, he is fucking. You feel his
rhythm of fucking, how his fucking changes as he fucks you more. There
is too much to keep track of, but in my confused fucked bitch state, I
try and do a few things. I like to kiss and lick my man as he pounds me,
if possible. You can tell how much effort he is putting into you. I try
to remember to keep clamping down on his driving cock. I tighten my
hole, my abs, my arms, so he knows he is fucking a strong man. Sometimes
I need to relax, just look around, look down and see his hips driving
into me, so hot, it gets me to kiss him again.

See, that's what happens when I work my dildo, I think explicitly about
how men have fucked me, what I like about having men fuck me. It is all
about getting the mind very ready to be fucked, practicing the mechanics,
so when the guy goes for the condom, you know what to do to enjoy it.
Once I have a dildo up the ass, I don't last too long. There is an
important difference in how I cum: I create almost twice the volume of
cum. The internal prostrate message gets the prostrate to work overtime.

Sometimes I read in sex ads that a guy new to all this very stimulating
stuff wants to find another first timer. Not a good idea. Sex requires
technique, man 2 man sex requires more technique, so someone in the room
should know from their sexperience what to do. The two rookies would
have lots of energy, but the awkwardness could kill the coupling. Much
better would be to find a veteran top. Avoid guys who say they are
"total tops" which translates to a guy who fucks without listening. Find
an older guy who is out. They love to demonstrate how the deed between
two men is done. They can be very understanding with your confusion over
how strong your desire to get laid can be. Of course they will take
advantage of that and fuck you, but that is what you both want.

If you practice, you really can enjoy taking it.)

Hope you liked that section.